The Wearin' of tha Kilt: advice for tha newbies.

Dear Angus,
Is there a way to properly handle the wearing of a kilt? I don’t want to be shocking any ladies. Thank you!
-KILT NEWBIE

Dear Newbie,
As any guid, sensible lassie will be telling ye, the wearing of a kilt will na be shocking them, but rather drawing them like bees to a flower. On the other hand, there are certain things men should keep in mind to avoid offending the sensibilities of some spectators:

1. Walk, don’t run. If’n ye must walk quickly, keep both hands on ye’r sporran (ye should also be wearing one of these…) ta keep ye’re kilt from flying up.

2. Do not stoop, crouch or squat to pick up anything from the floor. Have a friend wearing trousers do it for ye. If ye didna have any friends, kick the object to a secluded place before retrieving it.

3. Didna wear shiny new shoes or stand near any reflective surfaces such as puddles. Dull ye’re shoes a little (perhaps with mud) or wear spats like the trend setter that ye are.

4. Hula or Limbo dancing in a kilt at anytime is no a guid idea.

5. Didna forget that ye’re wearin’ a kilt and no’ trousers. Keep ye’re legs together, man! Especially when seated.

6. And finally, avoid all questions concerning wha’s under ye’re kilt and didna go makin’ offers ta show the questioner the answer to their questions.

I must say I’ve no had much trouble with my kilt, but then I’ve been wearing one since I was a wee laddie, and can still hear the lectures about proper kilt wearin’ from my mother and aunties. Just observe these simple rules and ye’ll be fine.

ANGUS